Teddy and Pipsqueak
by TrueEnglishRose
Summary: You just never know what's going to happen. Not when his Pipsqueak opens her mouth.
1. Chapter 1

No, your eyes are no playing tricks. I'm here, with a new story. It's been… Jeez, way too long.

It's just a quick One Shot, but I hope you like it. No beta for this, so you will find mistakes. Sorry about that lol. See me at the bottom for an important Author Note ;)

* * *

"He's a nobody. No paperwork, no history, or fingerprints. Nothing," the man in the far corner said, keeping his voice low and his tone even. There was a slight hint of frustration, though.

"Well, he has to be a _somebody_, Eric, because he's currently on his knees being my little bitch. Do you think I'm stupid? Dig deeper. You can't be a no one when you're a _someone_, so don't disappoint me," the other man replied, pushing the barrel of the gun a little harder to Edward Masen's forehead. The metal, which was once cool to the touch, was now body temperature. _That's_ how long he'd been on his knees. Too damn long.

Edward knew this was coming, he just didn't know when. He also knew that he wouldn't get out of this situation alive. Who would? You had a big hard mob boss _personally_ in a filthy, freezing cold warehouse with a gun to someone's - _his_ – head. Granted, Edward wasn't thinking when he'd done half of what he'd done recently, but what choice did he have? The woman was a loose cannon for trouble. It was his fault for half of what went on. Well, it wasn't, not really, but he could hardly blame the girl, could he?

"Sir, I have looked everywhere, there's nothing," Eric sounded a little more worried now, and Edward fought to contain his smile. No, they wouldn't find anything because he lived off the grid. He had done since he was eighteen years old.

"Sir, if I may speak?" Edward murmured, sucking in the frigid air. He would have been happy to answer any questions this man had, but no one had actually asked him anything yet.

"You are in _no_ position to make any statement whatsoever, so unless you want to be swallowing bullets, I suggest you keep your fucking mouth shut," The man was angry now, and Edward could understand, to a point, why. Edward chose to remain quiet while everyone around decided on what was the best course of action. Edward was hoping it was to free him, but again, he had a gun to his head. Being free wasn't going to be an option.

A loud commotion started outside of the warehouse, and Edward knew his time would soon be up. Well, at least he'd be with his parents again, he supposed. Or not, after seeing who came barreling into the vast space. He let out an exasperated sigh and rolled his eyes. She just couldn't stop, could she?

"Daddy! Daddy, _no_! What do you think you're doing? He's done nothing wrong! Get that gun away from him right this second!" Bella screamed across the vast space as men rushed to her, holding her back from getting any closer to Edward.

"Get your filthy hands off me, Paul, I swear to God, I'll shoot you myself if you touch me," she wailed, pulling away from the man. His hands instantly went into the air, but with a look from her father, he grabbed her again.

"Daddy, I order you to put a stop to this," she stamped her foot. She actually stomped like a three-year-old. Edward wanted to laugh.

"I will do no such thing, young lady! How dare you tell me what to do, your own father! And in front of the men! You should learn to know your place," The man roared. _Okay… This was an angry man,_ Edward thought. And maybe a little old fashioned? What 'place' was Bella supposed to be in.

"I know exactly where my place is, as you've drummed it into my head since I was able to walk, but that is no reason for you to hold a gun against a man's head, all because he was talking to me!" Bella wailed as she broke free of the hold the men had her in and walked closer to her father. She was careful not to look at Edward, and he didn't like that.

"Teddy, stand up, please," Bella said, her tone totally changing as she looked at him for the first time. He smiled but shook his head.

"Not a chance, Pipsqueak, your father doesn't like me very much, so I'm better off doing as I'm told by _him_," Edward said, throwing in a wink for good measure. He looked Bella up and down, taking in what she was wearing. It was like a flashback to the eighties. Baggy clothes, leg warmers and _everything_ neon. Oh, yes. She was supposed to be out on Jessica's hen night. Well, Edward thought, she hadn't wanted to go, so any excuse to get out of it.

"Daddy let Teddy up, please. He's got a bad knee," Bella pleaded, and Edward wanted to laugh. Yes, his knee was very painful now, but having a gun between his eyes was a little more important.

"He will stay exactly where he is until you explain to me how a grown man has been chasing after my teenage daughter!" he roared again.

"Fine, but at least take the bloody gun away from him," she growled as she removed her baggy sweater top, folded it up, and came toward Edward. "Lift up, Edward," she said kindly, and as he moved a little, she put the top under his knees.

"What on earth are you wearing, child?! How could your mother let you go out in that?" The anger rolling off this man was palpable.

"It's a boob tube, Daddy. Now, do you want to hear the story or not? I first met Teddy when Tanya took me to the park, I was four or five…"

"_FOUR_?" The man roared again.

"Hush or I won't tell you," Bella pouted. Her words pulled Edward into his own memory of that day.

_Was it wrong to sing happy birthday to yourself? Was it worth even celebrating the day when you had nothing left to celebrate? You could, in theory, celebrate the fact that you'd managed to stay alive for another year._ Edward thought as he walked down the sidewalk.

Today he was eighteen. Out of the system, even though he hadn't been in it for several months. He had managed to get a cash in hand job. It wasn't much, but it gave him a small roof over his head and food in his stomach.

"Will you just be quiet for five minutes while I try and sort this out, Isabella," a woman's voice pulled him out of his sad thoughts. He looked up and to the side of the road was a beautiful blonde woman, and she seemed to be stressing over her car and the flat tire.

A small girl was sat on the sidewalk, pouting and then glaring at the tall woman.

"I need the toilet, Miss Tanya and I can't hold it," she mumbled, but Edward caught her words. He smiled. This little girl had a fire in her veins.

"Excuse me, Miss? If you don't mind, I can help with the tire. If you needed to take the girl to the diner for the toilets, I don't mind. It won't take long to change," he said, smiling at the girl.

"And how do I know that you won't just up a steal the car? I'm not that stupid," she huffed, trying to retrieve the spare tire from the trunk. Edward rolled his eyes and pulled a funny face at the small girl. She giggled, which lifted his spirits.

"This car is worth at least fifty grand, easy, I wouldn't get three miles down the road before I got pulled over. Just let me change the damn tire, and then you can be on your way," Edward huffed, pulling the wheel out with ease and looked back in the trunk for the tools that he knew would go with it.

The woman hesitated for a moment, but a small whimper from the girl helped make up her mind.

"We'll be back in five minutes. You best still be here," she said, narrowing her eyes at him before she grabbed the girl's hand and they walked off.

Less than fifteen minutes later, Edward had the wheel changed over, the little girl had gone to the toilet and Tanya was flirting like no one's business.

"Miss Tanya, your eyes look funny," Isabella commented. Edward had to laugh. Yes, Tanya was trying to 'flutter her lashes' at him, but it looked more like she was having a fit of some sort.

"Isabella Cullen, watch what you say, it's rude!" Tanya hissed, but Edward paid that no attention. He was stuck on the girl's last name. He had to be careful. He wasn't stupid enough to get caught up in this mess. And mess it would be.

"She was four years old, you sick fuck!" The gun was back at his head. The man's voice shouting had pulled Edward back to the present.

"Daddy!" Bella wailed. "Will you stop being so unreasonable! You have NO idea what Teddy's been through, what he's done to save me, to keep me safe! Put that bloody gun now right this minute!" The gun didn't lower.

"Explain," he growled.

A few weeks after meeting Tanya and the girl, Edward was back to work, spending all his hours fixing cars. When he wasn't working, he was at the pool hall. Gambling a little, winning a lot, and having a blast. No one ever asked his age, and he was okay with that. He drank cold beers, ate some excellent snacks and took money from most of the players.

One late afternoon, Edward was just lining up his next shot when a flash of something little caught the corner of his eye. Standing up, he saw that a little girl was passed over the top of the bar by none other than Tanya and she walked off. Edward's eyes followed her, and they widened when he saw who she'd met up with. They were in dangerous territory now. Tanya had kissed a rival. I bet Isabella's family didn't know about this. Thinking of Isabella, his eyes turned to where she was perched behind the bar. She had a glass bottle of Coke in her hands, and she was drinking it with a straw. He smiled a little and started to walk toward the bar. He needed a fresh beer anyway.

"Teddy!" she said happily as he laid his pool cue down on the bar and ordered a pint.

"Pipsqueak, what are you doing here? Are you Twenty-One yet?" he laughed, and she giggled.

"Nah-ah, not yet. Miss Tanya has to see a friend before we go home," she replied.

The whole Teddy and Pipsqueak started when they first met. She didn't like the name Edward, and he didn't like the name, Isabella. Well, he didn't mind it, but he didn't think it suited her very much. He didn't know why it just didn't. Not to him.

"Well, I hope you don't stay out too late, Pipsqueak, you need your beauty sleep," he said with a smile.

Tanya came back a few minutes later, barely gave Edward the time of day and all but dragged Isabella from her place behind the bar.

That night, Edward did something he vowed he would never do. Get involved with something. He'd managed to get a message, via a hotel, a club and strangely enough, a gym, to Isabella's father. He'd warned him of what he'd seen.

From that day on, Edward hadn't seen Tanya again.

"Aww, that's so cute!" a new voice yanked Edward back to the enormous space.

"Alice, what are you doing here?" Another man's voice cut in this time.

"Jasper, Bella rushed off in such a state that I followed her using her GPS. What was I supposed to do? Leave her to wander around the city all by herself?" This Alice girl stepped into view, and Edward groaned. It was _her_. There was nothing wrong with the woman, but she was a little too hyped up for his tastes. All she wanted to do was shop or sing, and she couldn't sing too well. She was an expert at shopping, though. From what Edward had worked out, she was married to Jasper, and her father was someone high up, working with Bella's father. He dealt with jewelry or something like that. Recently, she had always been around Bella so Edward couldn't spend much time with her.

"That was you? You're the one who told us about Tanya's betrayal?" The man cut in, seeming awed. Edward gave a slight nod.

"Oh. And then what happened?" He asked his daughter.

"Well, then it was ages before we saw each other again. I was nine…"

Edward was a man, a huge, strong, burly man, so why was it so hard to carry all six bags of groceries from the car to his small apartment in one go? He never learned his lesson, because he was sure he asked himself why he did this each time he went shopping.

"Excuse me, Mister, do you have a phone I could borrow, please?"

Edward hadn't heard that voice in what felt like years, but he was sure it was his Pipsqueak, he was positive. It had to be her. All six bags fell from his hands as he turned on the spot to face the girl. She jumped back, apparently afraid of him, but he smiled.

"Pipsqueak?" He asked. He knew it was her, but it had been nearly five years ago now. There was no way she would remember him.

"Sorry, who?" she asked nervously.

"Isabella?" He asked this time, and she nodded very slowly, cautiously.

"Please don't be afraid, it's been a while, but I knew you when you were a little girl. Tanya used to babysit you. Do you remember her?" He asked. She looked puzzled, as though she was thinking extra hard.

"Teddy?" Her face started to light up when it was his turn to nod. "What are you doing here? Where have you been?" She asked excitedly, but Edward as more concerned as he looked at her better. Her knees were scraped, and her school skirt was torn.

"What happened?" He asked.

"I got upset in school and walked out. I just ended up walking and walking, then I fell down at the skate park," she said, blushing a little.

"The skate park? You went to the skate park in your school uniform?" Edward was laughing. He she was, standing in front of him in a pleated skirt, shirt and tie and that's how she went to the skate park?

"I got lost, okay? It's not my fault. I just needed something to do before my driver picked me up and some boys let me have a go on their BMX bikes," she huffed.

"You told me you tripped over a fluffy kitten, young lady!" Her father's voice pulled Edward back, and he winced. His knee was really starting to throb.

"What was I supposed to tell you? You already threatened the school security because I walked out. What would you have done? You'd have got one of your men to go to the park and threaten those boys, too!"

"She has a point, Dear, you do tend to go off the deep end a little," A woman's voice cut in, but this time, it was Isabella's mother. She was walking with purpose into the large room.

"What the hell is up with the women in my life not doing as they're told? No one listens to me, not even my fucking men!" he roared, waving his gun around. Isabella's mother, Esme, rolled her eyes and kissed the side of her daughter's head.

"Don't be so over dramatic, dear. Your daughter is safe and well, and by the sounds of it, we have this young man to thank for that," Esme beamed at Edward. If he were a bird, he'd push out his chest and fluff his feathers a little. Maybe even strut a time or two.

"Yes, and she was nine the last time they saw each other. NINE, Esme!"

"Not exactly…" Isabella trailed off, and for the next few minutes, she explained about, how over the years, she and Edward had a habit of bumping into each other. Random places like a florist, a camping shop and even in a parking lot of a funeral home. Isabella had never outright told Edward who her family was, but Edward knew. He also knew that she liked to give her guards the slip when she could. They ended up going for ice cream or a just a quiet walk. Everything totally innocent.

Until it wasn't.

Isabella was seventeen when she tried to kiss him. Too shocked to move, he just stood there while she attacked him. She seemed proud as anything that she's had her first kiss. Edward was pleased that he'd not been shot in the nuts by one of her guards.

When he next saw her, she was upset that her father had set her up on a date with some boy she despised.

"He's so boring, Edward. He wants to be an _accountant_ and talks non-stop about his baseball card collection. I can't go out on a date with someone like that, I just can't!" she had wailed. He had somehow ended up promising her to rescue her if she needed it and once she told him where they were going for a meal, she sadly said goodnight to him.

That night, he followed them from the restaurant until they were on the waterfront. They'd sat down on the bench, and Edward had to hold in his laughter.

"So… I think your father will be expecting us to have had a good night. We can date for a few months, and when you turn eighteen, I'll ask for his permission to marry you. I don't mind you finishing off school, but then I'll need you to be in our new home. I want to make a partner in the firm before I'm twenty-two and having a good wife at home will go in my favor. Then, after that, we can think about having children. What do you think?" He's spouted off his drivel to Isabella's blank expression. Then she looked horrified. It reminded Edward of the time she had started her period at his house when she was sixteen. Granted, he didn't know who was more horrified, her or him.

The man Isabella was on a date with didn't even give her a chance to answer before he tried to shove his tongue down her throat.

She pulled back, but he just leaned further in, and the second she said no, and he still continued, Edward saw red.

Edward's fighting experience came into play, and before they knew it, Mike was a bawling mess on the floor with several broken ribs, a split lip and a fractured nose.

"When a lady says no, you better believe she means it, you fucking wanker,"

Isabella giggled a little as she stepped over Mike's body and Edward walked her back to the restaurant to call her father.

"So, you were the one who nearly killed him?" Jasper said, smiling a little.

"She said no, and he didn't listen," Edward shrugged.

"Aww, it's romantic," Her mother gushed.

"I never did like that boy," her father grumbled.

Everyone looked at the man as if he'd lost his mind.

"When she hurt her leg? She refused to tell us what happened." Alice asked. Edward grinned.

"It wasn't actually a _burn_. She'd slipped down the stairs at the library and got a carpet burn. Everyone winced and with good reason. The 'burn' was from hip to knee and very painful.

"Oh! When she came home with really short hair. What really happened?"

Jeez, Edward thought, this had turned into story time at school. Everyone was almost sitting on the floor, enraptured with him. Apart from Isabella. She was huffing in a corner.

"She bunked off school, and her hair got caught in the chains of the swing at the park. I had to cut her lose,"

"What about the time we got a call from the hospital, and she broke her ankle," Jasper asked. Edward rolled his eyes. Jasper looked too excited about Isabella being hurt.

"She spent all of her allowance of inline skates and went down the halfpipe the first time she put them on. No safety gear at all," Edward replied.

"And each time you were there to save her, but didn't stick around? What grown man leaves a young girl to fend for herself until her family shows up?" Isabella's father asked, sounding irritated and a little bit mad again.

"I never left her until she was safely back in your care. Each and every time. You just didn't see me," Edward replied truthfully. He would never leave his Pipsqueak to fend for herself. Mainly because she'd get herself killed within minutes. She was a walking danger magnet.

"And today?" Her mother asked. She wasn't happy or excited, just curious. Edward's heart dropped into his stomach.

"Isabella came to me upset because she was told that she wasn't allowed to go to college. Her father told her that he'd found someone that would marry her, and she ran away. She packed two small bags and came to my place. When I told her that being at mine wasn't the best place, she ran from me, too. She ran off, and I had to get in the car to find her. We argued when I found her, hence the knee,"

"Stupid fool got in the way of the car door, that's how his knee got hurt," Isabella muttered angrily.

"Pipsqueak, you slammed the door on my knee when I tried to get out of the car, you can't blame _me_ for that," Edward chuckled.

"I don't want to marry him! He doesn't even know me! How can I marry someone I don't know and love? I want to marry for _love_, not to feel like part of a business plan!" She wailed. Her mother was quick to get to her side, to comfort her and Edward's heart broke that little bit more. He could see the way she was looking at him and, no doubt, his eyes looked the same. It didn't matter that he was so much older than her, or that he didn't come from money.

He loved her, too.

And now she was promised to someone else.

"I refuse to allow her to marry this man, Carlisle. Absolutely refuse. _We_ married for love and so shall she. You can Lord it about and become Mr Bossy Boots all you like, but our daughter will marry for love and nothing less," Esme said, pacing the considerable floor space.

Edward felt like he was in the middle of a family sitcom.

"Why on earth is everyone here? Jessica is having a nervous breakdown over half her bridal party running off," a beautiful blonde walked into the warehouse, followed by a huge man, who Edward knew was Emmett, one of Isabella's guards. He seemed a nice bloke, a little too serious sometimes, but Edward knew he thought the world of Isabella.

"What on earth is going on? I've had enough of this! This isn't a family outing, you know!" Isabella's father roared again. Edward didn't know whether to cringe or laugh. He was still on his knees.

"Yes, Carlisle, we know that we shouldn't be here, but when everyone took off, and we couldn't get hold of you, we came here as quick as we could. Why is that man here? Isabella, what on earth are you wearing? Ma, why are you here?" Emmett rushed out. Hang on… Emmett was Isabella's brother?

This was something that Edward didn't know.

"…And he's been looking out for her? Huh. Well, I don't see anything wrong with it. I mean, what would have happened if he wasn't about?" Rose, Emmett's wife said, after Esme, Isabella's mother had finished explaining everything.

"I would have cut off your husband's bollocks and fed them to the fish, that's what would have happened. I gave him _one_ job, just _one job_!" Carlisle roared again. _Was that all he did?_ Edward thought.

"Dear, that man is your _son_, shut up. There's not a hope in hell you would have done anything to him. For starters, that's my son, and if you hurt him, I hurt you. Secondly, I want grandchildren soon, so you're not going anywhere near his balls," Esme warned.

Edward gaged.

"Can we just get back to the issue at hand?" Carlisle asked, ignoring his wife.

"I want to marry Edward," a small voice spoke in the dark corner of the room.

Edward's Pipsqueak spoke up, quiet and timid. Edward felt all the color drain from his face. He loved her, but he had a sneaky suspicion that her father wouldn't allow them to get married.

"Isabella, you're far too innocent to marry someone like this man," Carlisle said, waving a hand around like it was a silly issue.

Isabella snorted.

Edward groaned.

"What?" Carlisle asked.

"I'm far from innocent, daddy," Isabella stated firmly.

"Explain," Carlisle said with gritted teeth.

"I've been drunk," she stated. Emmett started to stare at a blank spot on the ceiling.

"And I've hotwired a car," Rose was looking at her shoes, a very slight grin on her face.

"And I once stole a packet of gum from a store," Alice giggled while she looked at her nails.

"And I might have sorted out my own fake ID," Jasper was staring intently on his gun, a faint blush on his cheeks could be seen in the dark light of the warehouse.

"And I have a rabbit – of the non-furry variety," Edward choked.

"WHAT?!" Carlisle shouted.

"Breathe, dear, think of your blood pressure," Esme cooed.

"Emmett, if I find you taking her to a bar again… And Jasper! Letting her near your fucking computers!" Carlisle was still ranting.

"And who the hell bought you a ra- Nope, I can't even say it,"

"I did, dear," Esme spoke up, trying hard not to laugh. Edward just wanted to die. This was all so wrong.

"Why? She's only eighteen!"

"Well, she was sixteen at the time, and you had been going on and on about getting her married. I just wanted her to be prepared," Esme shrugged.

"Prepared for what?"

"Do you really want to have this conversation now, dear?" Esme asked, and Edward saw that she was slightly uncomfortable.

"Yes, I want to know right this minute why you thought it was a good idea to go and buy our daughter a fucking vibrator!" He was angry again.

"Well, if you must know, I bought it because of you,"

"Me?" Carlisle looked dumbfounded.

"Dear, it took you a good six months to find my clit. I just wanted her to have options, just in case a boy you found couldn't find hers,"

"Please let the ground swallow me up," Edward whispered as the rest of the room either groaned or gagged.

"Why, why did you have to mention that?" Carlisle whispered.

"Because you just told me to tell you, so I did."

"Can we please get to the point where I said that I want to marry Edward?" Isabella spoke up again. Edward thought she looked exhausted. Granted, it must be the early hours of the morning now, so she must have been up a good twelve hours or so.

_This wasn't a family, it was a pack of wild animals. This wasn't a 'get together', this was a showdown. This wasn't fucking normal._ Edward thought.

"When you're twenty-one,"

"In three months," Isabella stood her ground.

"Fine, but you continue to live in the house,"

"In three months and we live in the cottage," Isabella returned. No, she wasn't backing down.

"Fine, but no grandchildren until Emmett has one first,"

"Sorry to butt in here, but I'm not having any kids for at least another couple of years," Rose points out. Esme looks as if she's going to cry at the news.

"Edward and I will have children when we're ready. No sooner, no later,"

"Fine, but…but." Carlisle was stuck. "Fine, whatever!" he shouts.

Edward doesn't know whether to be extremely happy or mortified. Then he looked at Isabella, and everything just melted away.

"You look stunning," Edward murmured into his Pipsqueak's ear. The wedding had been beautiful. Full of people he didn't know. Full of hundreds of guns, hidden in plain sight. Full of women fawning over him and his new bride. Full of family members that threatened to do him harm if he hurt 'their girl'. Full of love, happiness and everything else.

But all he cared about was the young woman in his arms.

The last three months had flown by. They had moved into the cottage, there were more arguments between her and her father. There had been tears and tantrums. Edward had been there for it all, but he just stayed quiet and watched his powerful girl stand her ground.

"You look stunning, too. I'm used to seeing you in jeans and tees. This monkey suit makes you look very dashing," she replied with her sweet giggle, but there a slightly strange look in her eyes that Edward didn't like.

"What's up, Pipsqueak?" He asked.

"Nothing much. I'm just trying to work out how to tell daddy that he's going to be a grandfather, especially as I'm nearly ten weeks already." she murmured.

Edward gulped.

_Well, this should be fun._

* * *

So, I have no idea where that story came from. It just 'popped' into my head.

Now… Open Your Eyes… I have _finished_ it (at long bloody last, right?) I'll be replacing the old chapters with new ones tonight. There's 40 chapters in total and I'll post them over the next week.

Real Life has seriously taken over, which I hate, and I haven't managed to finish off 'Lights' yet, but it will be done.

You may have seen that my other stories have all gone, apart from the first chapters. Well, there was someone going around and taking stories and putting them up as their own. I don't like that, so I took them all down. You can still find them on STARS (The Writer's Coffee Shop) and FictionPad. I may put them back up in the future. Possibly lol.

Do I have other stories planned? I have one on the go, but I will not start posting it until I've finished it. That's a promise I've made to myself and to you.


	2. Outtake 1

**Hello, there! **

**Thank you so, so much for the feedback from this one-shot. As I'm going slightly insane from this lockdown, I thought I'd put pen to paper and give you a little more of Teddy and Pipsqueak. I hope you enjoy it!**

* * *

The Announcement

"I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts; there they are standing in a row… I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts; there they are standing in a row…" Bella's toes wiggles and bounced to the rhythm of her slightly off-key tune.

"Why are you repeating the same lines?" Edward let out a small chuckle as he looked to his wife. He still couldn't believe it. They were married, and she was pregnant, and he was still breathing!

Now at twenty-one weeks pregnant, they were waiting for the ultrasound scan that would hopefully show if he was going to be a daddy to a prince or princess. Either way, he was over the moon. No, beyond that. He just couldn't put it into words. Bella, on the other hand, wasn't so quite _there_ yet. Morning sickness, lousy skin, constant trips to the loo, every woman, and her dog was wanting to give their advice. She was _so_ over it already.

"I'm trying not to pee myself, and it's proving very hard when the baby is doing cartwheels around my organs and using my pelvic floor as a trampoline," she griped, glaring at the last amount of liquid in her water bottle.

Edward didn't say anything in return. He knew better by now. The whole family knew better.

Bella hadn't coped so well with the hormones of the pregnancy. And if Bella didn't cope well, _no_ one did.

_Here he was again. Gun pointing at his head. At least Edward wasn't on his knees this time._

_"__What do you mean? How can she be pregnant? You've only been married for two weeks!" Carlisle roared as the whole house came to a standstill. He was glaring at Edward. "You defiled her before, didn't you? How long for? How dare you!" he carried on his triad of words as everyone gathered in the large kitchen. _

_Edward paled to a perfect shade of white as he swayed on the spot. _

_"__Oh! My baby is having a baby! Did you hear that Carlisle, our baby, is having a baby!" Esme was yanking on his arm, pulling about his body like he was a ragdoll. The excitement rolling off the woman was bordering on insanity. Edward was holding his breath as the gun waved around in his other hand. _

_"__I heard, Esme, of course I fucking heard, he defiled her!" He screamed. _

_"__Don't you take that tone of voice with me, Carlisle. You may be the boss of everyone, but I'm the boss of you, so cool your jets and shut up," Esme replied. She took the gun from his hand and then stepped away from him to go to Bella, who was now red-faced and on the verge of tears._

_"__Oh, sweetheart, what's wrong? Are you not happy about the baby?" Esme cooed to her daughter. _

_"__I'm over the moon, Mommy, but my daddy has turned into an asshole, and I'm trying not to get angry about it," Bella wailed, tears splashing down her cheeks._

_Edward was lost. She sounded heartbroken to him, but she looked like she was out for murder._

_"__Do not call me an asshole, young lady, or I'll ground you to your room for a month!" Carlisle bellowed. _

_Edward felt a tug on his shirt. Looking behind him, he could see Alice trying to pull him away from the situation. He was torn. He should stay by his wife, but at the same time, his wife looked like she was to blow. He took Alice's lead and stepped back._

_Emmett, Rose, Jasper, and Alice were stood at the end of the kitchen near the escape route, their faces showing no emotions at the moment. That had Edward on edge. _

_"__Ground me?! You want to fucking ground me, daddy? With what reason? Because I called you an asshole? Well, you are one, and I called you out on it. This should be the happiest moment of my life! I should be glowing, GLOWING! And here I am, a blubbering mess because you bellowed for no reason! You're going to be a grand-daddy, and your screaming at me! Where is my God-damn glowy moment!" Everyone took a step back. Edward was expecting Bella's eyes to start glowing red. She was scary, dangerous, and downright sexy._

_"__Don't get no ideas, Ginger, she's my sister," Emmett mumbled to him. _

_"__She's my wife, Emmett, I can think how I like," Edward smirked back, taking in his glorious wife. _

_"__You are glowing, sweetheart, I can see it, it's right there!" Esme cooed once more, but Edward cringed. Bella had taken a deep breath, so he knew what was going to happen next._

_"__I'M NOT GLOWING, IT'S SWEAT!" She screamed. "And you! You ARE an asshole because you're my daddy, and you're being an asshole, and I need a daddy hug, and you can't hug me, BECAUSE YOU'RE BEING A BUTT-HOLE!" Bella wailed and sat down on a nearby chair. "I just want a daddy hug, and I want to stop crying, and I can't, and I feel sick, but I'm so hungry, and MY BOOBS HURT!" _

It took four days for Carlisle to stop being an asshole and for Bella to get her Daddy hug.

_"__Stop firing those stupid guns! I mean it! You're scaring the hell out of my baby! It can hear, you know! It should be listening to lullabies and children's stories, but what does it get? Stupid fucking idiots thinking it's a game to fire live rounds in the backyard!" Bella wailed at the side of the enclosure. _

_Carlisle, Jasper, and Emmett had taken it upon themselves to teach Edward how to fire a gun. If he was married to Bella, then he had to learn to protect her and their baby. Edward didn't want to break it to them that he already knew how to protect his girl. Growing up in care and then learning how to fend for himself on the streets, Edward knew a lot. _

_But, he also wanted to bond a little with his new family. He wasn't totally on board with their way of life, and he turned a blind eye to most of what they did, but he still wanted to get along with them all. _

_Just yesterday, for example, he spent a lot of his time learning how to cook all of Bella's favorite foods with Esme, Alice, and Rose. The men called him all the names under the sun, but Esme chased them out of the room, whipping their asses with a wooden spoon. By the end of the day, he'd mastered three of her favorite meals, baked four different cookies, and learned how to use their yogurt machine. _

_With Bella's aversion to certain foods, she couldn't eat any of it. _

_"__What do you mean the blob can hear things? No, it can't. That's just stupid, Bells. And what the fuck are you wearing?" Emmett replied with a chuckle and then aimed his gun at another beer bottle. _

_"__I swear to God, Emmett, if you fire that gun, I'll tell Rose what I caught you wearing last year! My baby can hear things, and you need to do as you're bloody well told!" Bella raged. _

_Edward thought Bella was glorious in her rage, but he was more interested in why she had the scatter cushions from their couch around her body, held there with one of his belts._

_"__And I'm wearing these because they don't make pregnant earmuffs for when your stupid family wants to shoot guns! Now shut the fuck up so my baby can grow strong and healthy without jumping around in my stomach every two fucking seconds!" _

_"__Em, what were you wearing last year?" Jasper asked. Emmett turned from red to white in an instant._

_"__None of your fucking business," he griped._

_Carlisle hushed them and put down his gun. He glared at me – because he still didn't like me one bit – and walked over to Bella._

_"__The baby can actually hear us?" He asked, and Bella gave him a tearful nod. _

_"__Right," he said, then bent over so that he was face to face with her stomach._

_"__Now, you listen to me, young man. You will be a young man because your mother turned my hair gray, and I don't need any more females in my life. You will be a man, you will grow a penis, and you will be strong, unlike your father. You will be a boy, you will learn to listen to me, and if you're a good boy and grow a penis, I'll buy you a gun for your first birthday," Carlisle growled._

_"__Daddy! Don't you dare say such things to my baby! It can have a penis or a vagina. It can be what it wants to be, and there is no way you'll get them a gun at a year old! What the hell is going through your head?!" Bella screeched. _

_"__Fine, it can have a gun when it's five." Carlisle grouched. _

_"__No! No guns!"_

"Mr. and Mrs. Cullen?" a nurse brought Edward out from the past, and he frowned. He hated being a Cullen. It was the one thing that he let go of his single life. He changed his name from his to Bella's. Carlisle insisted and it was either agree to it or watch another argument between father and daughter.

The happy pair settled themselves into the small sonograph room, once Bella had been weighed – something Edward was forced to ignore. Bella had a huge issue with her weight at the moment.

Twenty minutes later, once all the important stuff was out of the way and they had a slim to none chance of getting over their awe and shock of seeing what they had created, they were asked the most critical question to date.

"Do you want to know what you're having?"

_A heart attack?_ Edward thought.

* * *

**So, what do you think? I know, they're all a little silly, but we can do with some laughs, right? **

**So, if I write any more, what would you like to see? I would love to see all of them at the baby shower. Can you just imagine it?! **

**Thanks again for reading and please, please stay safe out there! **


End file.
